Fuck Starbucks

I hate Starbucks. With all of my heart and soul, with every ounce of my being, I fucking hate Starbucks. I mean I really hate Starbucks. Like, you know how George Bush hates intelligent people and how Iraqi people hate us... yeah, well I hate Starbucks much more than that. Allow me to elucidate.

I won't stay too long on the obvious reasons, like the fact that their coffee sucks, or that most of their drinks have unnecessarily long names, or that they have more sugar and caffeine than the normal person should take in on one day, or that they have the most ridiculous fucking names for their cup sizes. I'll leave those alone for now.

What I hate most is their business model. They are a cancer on our cities that infects the population while the infected gleefully support its growth. They purposely open up next to small, local coffee shops that have roots in the community and a semblance of a soul. Within a short amount of time, the humble revenue that supported a member of the neighborhood is dried up like the shitty biscotti that make Star-mother-buckers feel oh so trendy.

I'm not saying that all chain stores are a bad thing, or even that competition should be stifled. What I'm saying is that this particular chain exploits the tendency for humans to become mindless drones that prefer consistent, sterile mediocrity over a unique, individualized experience. Why risk having a cup of joe that could be anything from so-so to fucking amazing when you have a reliable source of brown piss that is barely drinkable without three tablespoons of sugar.

Then, like rabbits on crack, they multiply and attempt to take over every street corner and food court available. As if the American public isn't lazy enough, they want to make sure you never have to walk more than 50 yards to get your dear, precious, venti-mocha-java-soy-latte-americana-third-world-county-blend with a dash of vanilla syrup.

I also hate their patrons who think that they're so globally conscious because they eat only organic food and would never shop at a place like Wal-Mart. Wake up, people. Starbucks is the Wal-Mart & McDonalds of coffee. It's mass-produced, homogenized garbage that has no real sustenance, wasn't produced anywhere near where you've purchased it, and only serves to contribute to a lack of diverse cultures and traditions. Besides, half the point of eating organic food is supporting your local economy, but Starbucks just drains the profit from the community.

"Oh, but they pay their employees well and sell fair-trade coffee." That's great, so that means when the person that used to own their own coffeeshop was aggressively shoved out of business, they can get a job at their local Starbucks where they're paid wages that don't allow them to cover rent or support their family.

"This is hypocritical, the people that work there are local, they know my name and my favorite drink. Why can't Starbucks be considered a part of the community?" Oh, is that why you keep going back? Well here's something to try out. Go to a local coffeeshop every fucking day and order the same thing and they'll learn your name, too. And on top of that, you'll be participating in something that doesn't exist in the exact same form in every goddam city in the nation.

"But it's comforting knowing that I will get the same cup of coffee in New York as I will in L.A. I don't want to have a different experience every time I get a cup of coffee. I just want to stick with what I know and trust, even if there is better out there. I don't see why you have to get mad, I like Starbucks and to hell with that little place on the corner that has been there for 30 years." Oh, well, in that case, fuck you.